Dreams

Life is life, and it takes attention and work.

These past few weeks I have been waiting to hear some news. I applied to Grad school, mostly on a whim, and mostly in desperation to get somewhere with my life. I applied to only one, big, awesome University, because I felt like if I was going to do this I might as well do it right. Go big or go home, right?

Well, apparently, go home.

I was not accepted, and while I kind of expected this it still was a heartbreak. The rejection threw my life into great relief and for a few days I was panicked and sickened by how seemingly immobile my life was. I have very grand dreams for myself but I have no idea how to get there. I graduated college, which is great, but I am back living at home and working retail and I'm kind of stuck on where to go from here. Sure, there are many options. I could move to a bigger city, I could get a different job, I could take classes and specialize. I could I could I could I could...

I could.

That chant has tormented me for months. In seeking this answer, my next place in the world, I have thought of so many scenarios and so many options and so many better places to go. My head gets dizzy with all the things I've considered. The problem with all of these I coulds though, is that none of them fit. None of them, no matter how beautiful or how tempting, were actually the right choice for me. I know this because none of them felt right. None of them seemed obvious. They were all possibilities brought on by desperation, and desperation really does not make the best choices.

So here I still am.

I did not go to Oxford, or London or New York, or Belgium, or LA, or Chicago. I am still here.

Part of it is reason. It seems reasonable to work up a hefty wad of funds before releasing myself on the world. It seems reasonable to build up my resume.

And it is reasonable. But sometimes heartbreaking.

But then,

I received a good deal of inspiration, from a rather unlikely source, my 18-year-old, fresh from high school coworker. Here is some of what he said:

We only have one life, so why waste time doing something you don't want to do? It's not like we get another chance at this. This is our life. Our only life. So if you want something then go for it. Now. 

And while this can seem obvious and evident, for some reason it really struck me at one in the morning as I was dropping this sage off after work. This really is our only life. This really is IT. So why am I running around looking for something better and more lucrative when I already know what I want to do? Whose life is this? Mine. Then why not make me happy with it?

Therefore I decided that being reasonable was a waste of my time. I will enjoy life and do what I want with it. I will succeed with unreasonable things, like writing and acting. Being tentative and cautious does not serve me, or anybody for that matter. So I will be BOLD and COURAGEOUS (and I will keep my day job because I like to eat). I WILL.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

This is my life and I will make it the life that I want.

It's almost humorous because I graduated high school with this idea but somehow lost it along the way. Life really does bug at you and in college you come across people who have their whole lives figured out, along with a step-by-step plan of how to get there. Those people made me second guess, made me doubt myself. So I shied away from the art I wanted to make and tried to be reasonable and lucrative. But it made me miserable until someone pointed out this mistake. 

So here is my caution: Be attentive to your life. Make sure you always have a handle on what it is you want to be and where it is you are heading. Do not get lost in the expectations of others, for you will only disappoint them and yourself in the process. Do not be afraid of the work it takes to get you where you want to go. It is always worth it. Being scared is a waste of time and energy. Be bold and fearless. Don't get lazy and let your dreams fade. Dreams are real and people fulfill them everyday, so why not you?