Learning What Not To Say

When in the midst of learning a language, you naturally make mistakes. And the longer you try to learn a language the more opportunity you have to make a fool of yourself. 

Mistake 1: I went to the patisserie (my favorite place here) and I wanted to try something new. I saw a little mini cake-shaped item that had some almonds on top, labeled as a "souccé". So I pointed to it and said "Je voudrais un sooseh" The vendeuse looked at me bizarrely then saw me pointing and went "Ah! It sook-seh, madame, pas sooseh. It is not the same thing!" And I was, like, ok whatever, I just want to eat it. But then she started to chuckle, and the two men behind me started to chuckle. I got my "soucce" and sat down to eat it but everyone in the store continued to chuckle and laugh and making eye-contact and laughing again. 

So I sat in the shame corner of the bakery while me and my friend tried to deduce what I could have possibly said. Once one of the men had collected his breath he came over. "So sorry, but do you know why we are laughing?" No, obviously not. Hello? Shame corner. "Sorry, but it nothing against you, nothing at all, but you said 'sucer'. Do you know what this is? It means, uh, to suck." And then everyone started laughing again and the vendeuse had to lean both arms on the counter to keep herself standing. 

I had told the vendeuse, with all confidence, "I would like to suck [this]." 

Mistake 2: I was telling my class about how in the past my dad had raised bigs and cows for slaughter. Also how one day I went over to my dad's house while the butcher was there, taking care of the pigs, and how I got an eyeful. 

On kid asked me if it was traumatic and I said no, because a few years previously my grandpa had showed us kids a deer without its skin. He had hunted the deer himself and removed the skin, and for some unknown reason he wanted to show us his handiwork. 

After I finished speaking everyone was staring at me with large, disturbed eyes. "He what?" Someone asked, so I repeated myself, saying "Il nous a monté le cerf." The other students looked at each other asked for clarification, all very confused, very disturbed. Then at last the teacher leaned over and said, "Do you mean 'montrer'?" Then everything clicked and I understood. 

I had told the class that my grandpa had made us mount his dead deer (monter, as in 'ride a horse') , instead of telling them that he had shown us his dead deer (montrer). 

Mistake 3: In any language, especially French, there are a lot of double entendres words with sexual connotation. 

While explaining a trip I was going to take with a friend, I was trying to explain that we were sleeping in the same room, sharing a room, to save on money. But she only heard "nous nous coucherons" which basically meant "yeah, we're going to sleep together." My host mom smiled and nodded, "Oh, that's great!" Then she started laughing and corrected me. 

I also have a really hard time saying that I'm excited about something. "I'm going to see my friend in Prague, I'm so excited!" Apparently excited has a sexual meaning too, so all my local friends are like, "Who is this friend of yours?" Which results in a lot of backtracking, clarification, and use of more neutral synonyms. 

Other things I've learned not to say: 

Je suis chaude (neutral meaning: I'm hot. Not neutral (normal) meaning: I'm horny) 

Il m'a baisé (dictionary meaning: he kissed me. Average meaning: He screwed me) 

Je suis excité (neutral meaning: I'm excited. Not neutral meaning: I'm turned on)