Voila

I have been doing some soul searching of late and somehow I got the idea to do an art project. After much labor and many (many) days here is what I created:

It's a mixed-material collage that I entitled "The Tree of Knowledge". It's rather large, 4x4 feet. My dad saw me working on it and was like, "what's this for?" And I honestly have no idea. Most people when they decide to do something creative come up with a little something. But this piece here is impressive. 

If you have read some of my latest posts you will know that I have been struggling to figure out my life. I so desperately want to find my work, my calling, the thing that I do. It is remarkably frustrating because I so often think I have found it, only to be disappointed. I decide to be an actor and manage an audition a month without a single call back. I decide to be a writer and suddenly can't come up with anything to write. My wheels are spinning but I'm not getting anywhere. This project came mostly out of desperation. Nothing else seemed to be speaking to me and I thought of this and decided, why not? Might as well try it. It can't be any more of a failure than anything else I've done.

It took m several days to cut all these leaves out of paper. Since it's the tree of knowledge (of good and evil) I used scripture pages as well as pages from magazines and novels. I then soaked the pages in dye and stuck them on to little bits of wire. The fruit is made from styrofoam balls that I painted and sprinkled with glitter. 

The tree has a base of clay that I spread on the board, then I glued scraps from old baskets on top. The snake is made of plastic spoon heads that I painted. 

The ground is collaged magazine pages with a few rocks glued on top. 

The sky was made from plastic cups that I broke. 

All in all I was quite surprised by myself. I was dedicated and thorough. Even though I tired of it and lost my enthusiasm, I kept at it. My room was in complete disarray for weeks but I refused to put it away until I was done. 

It was a significant experience that I wasn't expecting. I really just threw myself into it without realizing the time and expense this would demand. However, I learned some very key things about myself in the process; first and foremost, I am much more of an artist than I originally believed. My need for creation is strong and large, and takes a lot to satisfy. Like, a lot. It won't work as a simple hobby. 

I was in the middle of gluing sticks on when all this discovery hit me. I was sizing up different sticks and placing them out. I stood back to get a better look and suddenly thought, "Oh my goodness. I am an artist." My next thought was, "Crap." 

I so badly want to be reasonable, to be secure. But I just--can't--do it. I try and can't. Perhaps that's what all this struggle has been about, denying this truth about myself. This is a scary thing. It feels far too insubstantial to put all my trust and my efforts into. Just to give this inner-artist my future. It's scary. 

But, it is also true that people succeed. Even crazy people. No matter what you do, if you are great at it, you can succeed. 

Not that this is an exact answer. I don't have my medium yet, but I finally feel like I'm in the ballpark. So... I'll keep trucking along, keep experimenting. Who knows what will come of it?