Dreams in the works

Welp. It's been a couple weeks (right?) so I thought I would update you on my progress.

I thought I would let you know, right off the bat, that dreams can be discouraging little buggers. There always is a limited amount of what you can do and there is also the great likelihood that it will take a while before anything happens. There are many days together that just feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting no where.

But dreams also inspire and encourage. They make the daily grind less grinding. And they give something to work towards, something outside of your current self to look forward to.

Half of my dream is to become a published author. The other half is to become a working actor. I've never been able to decide between the two and when I focus on one the other looks much more appealing. Then after taking a poll amongst my younger brothers they all agreed I should be a writer or an actor.

Thus I am decided. Writer. Actor.

For acting I have found an agency, taken a bunch of pictures, and prepared several monologues. I have yet to audition for anything yet, so that's still in the works. Summer is kind of slow for these things because the summer filming has already been cast and the fall is yet to come. But I'm looking.

For writing: I have just finished the third draft of my novel (YAF, paranormal). And can I just say the third draft was the WORST. I have written books before. I have finished books before, but this is the first time I have done a third draft. The overhaul and rework was really intense. My manuscript was just covered in notes and additions and rewrites and crosses-out. It took me a long time because it was not enjoyable work and often very frustrating.

BUT I DID IT!!!

That is the greatest news. I am pushing through the discouragement. I'm ignoring it, even when I look over what I've written and think that it all sounds like crap. I take a break when I need to. I let ideas soak. I push through the petty disappointments and keep focused on my greater goal.

Determination. That's what I've got. Finally. After a year of pondering and puttering I have managed to steel myself on my dream of the future and keep at it.

You may find this boring, and it's alright if you do. I have just decided to use this blog to keep track of my efforts and my progress. It makes me more accountable, and also reminds me that I am doing good things and working every day, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

For those of you who made it to the end, here is some fun (that I love):

Dreams

Life is life, and it takes attention and work.

These past few weeks I have been waiting to hear some news. I applied to Grad school, mostly on a whim, and mostly in desperation to get somewhere with my life. I applied to only one, big, awesome University, because I felt like if I was going to do this I might as well do it right. Go big or go home, right?

Well, apparently, go home.

I was not accepted, and while I kind of expected this it still was a heartbreak. The rejection threw my life into great relief and for a few days I was panicked and sickened by how seemingly immobile my life was. I have very grand dreams for myself but I have no idea how to get there. I graduated college, which is great, but I am back living at home and working retail and I'm kind of stuck on where to go from here. Sure, there are many options. I could move to a bigger city, I could get a different job, I could take classes and specialize. I could I could I could I could...

I could.

That chant has tormented me for months. In seeking this answer, my next place in the world, I have thought of so many scenarios and so many options and so many better places to go. My head gets dizzy with all the things I've considered. The problem with all of these I coulds though, is that none of them fit. None of them, no matter how beautiful or how tempting, were actually the right choice for me. I know this because none of them felt right. None of them seemed obvious. They were all possibilities brought on by desperation, and desperation really does not make the best choices.

So here I still am.

I did not go to Oxford, or London or New York, or Belgium, or LA, or Chicago. I am still here.

Part of it is reason. It seems reasonable to work up a hefty wad of funds before releasing myself on the world. It seems reasonable to build up my resume.

And it is reasonable. But sometimes heartbreaking.

But then,

I received a good deal of inspiration, from a rather unlikely source, my 18-year-old, fresh from high school coworker. Here is some of what he said:

We only have one life, so why waste time doing something you don't want to do? It's not like we get another chance at this. This is our life. Our only life. So if you want something then go for it. Now. 

And while this can seem obvious and evident, for some reason it really struck me at one in the morning as I was dropping this sage off after work. This really is our only life. This really is IT. So why am I running around looking for something better and more lucrative when I already know what I want to do? Whose life is this? Mine. Then why not make me happy with it?

Therefore I decided that being reasonable was a waste of my time. I will enjoy life and do what I want with it. I will succeed with unreasonable things, like writing and acting. Being tentative and cautious does not serve me, or anybody for that matter. So I will be BOLD and COURAGEOUS (and I will keep my day job because I like to eat). I WILL.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

This is my life and I will make it the life that I want.

It's almost humorous because I graduated high school with this idea but somehow lost it along the way. Life really does bug at you and in college you come across people who have their whole lives figured out, along with a step-by-step plan of how to get there. Those people made me second guess, made me doubt myself. So I shied away from the art I wanted to make and tried to be reasonable and lucrative. But it made me miserable until someone pointed out this mistake. 

So here is my caution: Be attentive to your life. Make sure you always have a handle on what it is you want to be and where it is you are heading. Do not get lost in the expectations of others, for you will only disappoint them and yourself in the process. Do not be afraid of the work it takes to get you where you want to go. It is always worth it. Being scared is a waste of time and energy. Be bold and fearless. Don't get lazy and let your dreams fade. Dreams are real and people fulfill them everyday, so why not you?