I've realized I don't know myself as well as I would like. I think I know what I want in life, and then later I realize that I was wrong. How does that happen? How do you hide from yourself? A person must be quite clever and secretive to be able to pull it off, but yet, it somehow seems it is more the case to not know yourself than to know.
I realized I did not know myself very well because I avoid thinking about myself in almost any manner. I don't like to think about my looks, about my schedule, about my future plans, about my anticipations, or simply my thoughts on life. I mean, I think (despite some evidence to the contrary), but I never look back on my thoughts retrospectively. I will simply think them and be done. I don't analyze myself. But should you? Do you need to analyze yourself to know yourself? Can't you just be you without putting any effort into it?
Aha. The effort. There's a key, I guess. Things worth having and being require effort. And I guess you would need to know yourself well in order to change yourself. If you want to be different, improved in some manner, in order to make it stick and get the problem out at its root you need to know how far and where the roots go. Hmm...
Not that I'm recommending psychoanalysis or anything. This knowing-thyself business has just been a stick lately so I'm working it out.
Here are some questions I've been trying to answer:
- What makes me happy? (not including food, Disney, or small plastic toys)
- If I could be doing anything right now what would I be doing?
- What is my favorite food really?
- What is the color that best represents my personality?
- Am I blaming others for my dissatisfaction in life?
- Crunchy or smooth?
- How significant is physical appearance to me? Sometimes I play it off like I don't care at all, but I do at least a little bit. And why is it I care? And why do I react in my unease and anxiety by not taking effort in my appearance? How does looking like a ragamuffin solve my social anxiety?
- What would be the best news to get right now?
- Who would I tell first if that best news actually came?
- Who do I want to go on a trip with, and why?
- What is my favorite/least favorite chore and why?
Those are just a few things I've been thinking about lately, not that I've answered them all, but they are making me think and by thinking I think I'm beginning to understand this ME a little bit better. I'm connecting the pieces.
