Holiday Hero Photo Shoot!

Thimble Thor is back! Not only that but he hath broughteneth FRIENDS! 

Can you tell which fabulous duo of more-than-humanly-awesome more-than-humans are friends of Thimble Thor? 

On the left we have the small but dependable Capsule Captain of America! He has the trademark spangled shield to protect him from ferocious foes as well as the smashing hammer of his god-like friend. 
In the middle we have non other than our beloved Iron Minnie Man . He is posed for battle and looking ripped in his suit of make-believe metal. 
Our favorite Thimble Thor, God of smallish thunders-- such as stomach grumbles and burbly farts, is on the right hand side. 

 *Sigh* Don't they look fabulous posing for Christmas and other happy holidays that use lights as a mode of celebration? 

 H stands for Heroes (and holidays. And hammer). 

 Thimble Thor gets an illuminating close up that proves that his radiance is so great, us mere mortals are not even physically able to see it. 

 Iron Minnie Man gives us his best side, showing us his pretend-metal ripped-ness. He knows he looks that good. 

Our Capsule Captain, while great in a bind or an alien invasion, shies away from the lime and Christmas light, making us all the more desirous to get a better grip on his renowned gluteus. 

The Adventures of Thimble Thor!

Last weekend, whilst out shopping for not myself, I came upon this lovely creature in a box:

I realized instantly that this two and a half inches of man-plastic must be mine. I made the purchasings and christened him Thimble Thor (please read in a god-like voice). He is a hero of great renown and courage. 

 Here Thimble Thor finds himself in the nest of the Terrible Turkeys of Tinderland. While the turkeys eat plastic man-flesh as a rare delicacy, Thimble Thor was able to placate them with well-timed jokes about their distant relations, the Churning Chickens of Chickentalk. They giggled and gobbled and assisted Thimble Thor on the next step of his adventure. 

 Thimble Thor was almost lost in the tantalizing and near irresistible Sprinkles of Spankles. He succumbed to their succulent oblong shape and their bright, playful colors. But, as luck would have it, these particular Sprinkles create a certain magnetism that ultimately repelled Thor's hammer to such an extent that he was able to escape. 

 Here Thimble Thor teaches the Southern Gummi Tribe the correct protocol for ordering a Jimmy John's sandwich. May they never be sandwich-less again. 

Thimble Thor finished his great adventures with Shakespeare in the park. Here Thimble Thor reenacts Romeo's untimely death, much to the enjoyment of the Cinnabear audience. Juliet was played by Cinnaly Bore. 

Voila

I have been doing some soul searching of late and somehow I got the idea to do an art project. After much labor and many (many) days here is what I created:

It's a mixed-material collage that I entitled "The Tree of Knowledge". It's rather large, 4x4 feet. My dad saw me working on it and was like, "what's this for?" And I honestly have no idea. Most people when they decide to do something creative come up with a little something. But this piece here is impressive. 

If you have read some of my latest posts you will know that I have been struggling to figure out my life. I so desperately want to find my work, my calling, the thing that I do. It is remarkably frustrating because I so often think I have found it, only to be disappointed. I decide to be an actor and manage an audition a month without a single call back. I decide to be a writer and suddenly can't come up with anything to write. My wheels are spinning but I'm not getting anywhere. This project came mostly out of desperation. Nothing else seemed to be speaking to me and I thought of this and decided, why not? Might as well try it. It can't be any more of a failure than anything else I've done.

It took m several days to cut all these leaves out of paper. Since it's the tree of knowledge (of good and evil) I used scripture pages as well as pages from magazines and novels. I then soaked the pages in dye and stuck them on to little bits of wire. The fruit is made from styrofoam balls that I painted and sprinkled with glitter. 

The tree has a base of clay that I spread on the board, then I glued scraps from old baskets on top. The snake is made of plastic spoon heads that I painted. 

The ground is collaged magazine pages with a few rocks glued on top. 

The sky was made from plastic cups that I broke. 

All in all I was quite surprised by myself. I was dedicated and thorough. Even though I tired of it and lost my enthusiasm, I kept at it. My room was in complete disarray for weeks but I refused to put it away until I was done. 

It was a significant experience that I wasn't expecting. I really just threw myself into it without realizing the time and expense this would demand. However, I learned some very key things about myself in the process; first and foremost, I am much more of an artist than I originally believed. My need for creation is strong and large, and takes a lot to satisfy. Like, a lot. It won't work as a simple hobby. 

I was in the middle of gluing sticks on when all this discovery hit me. I was sizing up different sticks and placing them out. I stood back to get a better look and suddenly thought, "Oh my goodness. I am an artist." My next thought was, "Crap." 

I so badly want to be reasonable, to be secure. But I just--can't--do it. I try and can't. Perhaps that's what all this struggle has been about, denying this truth about myself. This is a scary thing. It feels far too insubstantial to put all my trust and my efforts into. Just to give this inner-artist my future. It's scary. 

But, it is also true that people succeed. Even crazy people. No matter what you do, if you are great at it, you can succeed. 

Not that this is an exact answer. I don't have my medium yet, but I finally feel like I'm in the ballpark. So... I'll keep trucking along, keep experimenting. Who knows what will come of it? 

Sometimes, k--lots of the times, I wish I was funnier. Or like... a spewing fountain of awesome things. The kind of person who when she opens her mouth the room goes quiet and the crowd waits with bated breath, thinking "Oh this is gonna be so freaking awesome!!"

But, alas, I am not this person. Instead when I want to tell a story (like last night while closing up shop with my coworker) I start too quietly and no one notices. So I have to try again, louder, which makes it come out like an accidental push on the car horn, startling us all. Then I proceed to wind my way through my tale, getting lost and sidetracked with random details, and when I notice how sidetracked I am it takes much forceful stuttering to get back on track. And by the time I finish the story we're all exhausted and confused, wondering what just happened.

It's probably not that bad. Last night was most likely aberrant (take that GRE!) because I was overdosed on jelly bellies and having a rough day due to my footwear and tight ponytail.

Dreams in the works

Welp. It's been a couple weeks (right?) so I thought I would update you on my progress.

I thought I would let you know, right off the bat, that dreams can be discouraging little buggers. There always is a limited amount of what you can do and there is also the great likelihood that it will take a while before anything happens. There are many days together that just feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting no where.

But dreams also inspire and encourage. They make the daily grind less grinding. And they give something to work towards, something outside of your current self to look forward to.

Half of my dream is to become a published author. The other half is to become a working actor. I've never been able to decide between the two and when I focus on one the other looks much more appealing. Then after taking a poll amongst my younger brothers they all agreed I should be a writer or an actor.

Thus I am decided. Writer. Actor.

For acting I have found an agency, taken a bunch of pictures, and prepared several monologues. I have yet to audition for anything yet, so that's still in the works. Summer is kind of slow for these things because the summer filming has already been cast and the fall is yet to come. But I'm looking.

For writing: I have just finished the third draft of my novel (YAF, paranormal). And can I just say the third draft was the WORST. I have written books before. I have finished books before, but this is the first time I have done a third draft. The overhaul and rework was really intense. My manuscript was just covered in notes and additions and rewrites and crosses-out. It took me a long time because it was not enjoyable work and often very frustrating.

BUT I DID IT!!!

That is the greatest news. I am pushing through the discouragement. I'm ignoring it, even when I look over what I've written and think that it all sounds like crap. I take a break when I need to. I let ideas soak. I push through the petty disappointments and keep focused on my greater goal.

Determination. That's what I've got. Finally. After a year of pondering and puttering I have managed to steel myself on my dream of the future and keep at it.

You may find this boring, and it's alright if you do. I have just decided to use this blog to keep track of my efforts and my progress. It makes me more accountable, and also reminds me that I am doing good things and working every day, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

For those of you who made it to the end, here is some fun (that I love):

Dreams

Life is life, and it takes attention and work.

These past few weeks I have been waiting to hear some news. I applied to Grad school, mostly on a whim, and mostly in desperation to get somewhere with my life. I applied to only one, big, awesome University, because I felt like if I was going to do this I might as well do it right. Go big or go home, right?

Well, apparently, go home.

I was not accepted, and while I kind of expected this it still was a heartbreak. The rejection threw my life into great relief and for a few days I was panicked and sickened by how seemingly immobile my life was. I have very grand dreams for myself but I have no idea how to get there. I graduated college, which is great, but I am back living at home and working retail and I'm kind of stuck on where to go from here. Sure, there are many options. I could move to a bigger city, I could get a different job, I could take classes and specialize. I could I could I could I could...

I could.

That chant has tormented me for months. In seeking this answer, my next place in the world, I have thought of so many scenarios and so many options and so many better places to go. My head gets dizzy with all the things I've considered. The problem with all of these I coulds though, is that none of them fit. None of them, no matter how beautiful or how tempting, were actually the right choice for me. I know this because none of them felt right. None of them seemed obvious. They were all possibilities brought on by desperation, and desperation really does not make the best choices.

So here I still am.

I did not go to Oxford, or London or New York, or Belgium, or LA, or Chicago. I am still here.

Part of it is reason. It seems reasonable to work up a hefty wad of funds before releasing myself on the world. It seems reasonable to build up my resume.

And it is reasonable. But sometimes heartbreaking.

But then,

I received a good deal of inspiration, from a rather unlikely source, my 18-year-old, fresh from high school coworker. Here is some of what he said:

We only have one life, so why waste time doing something you don't want to do? It's not like we get another chance at this. This is our life. Our only life. So if you want something then go for it. Now. 

And while this can seem obvious and evident, for some reason it really struck me at one in the morning as I was dropping this sage off after work. This really is our only life. This really is IT. So why am I running around looking for something better and more lucrative when I already know what I want to do? Whose life is this? Mine. Then why not make me happy with it?

Therefore I decided that being reasonable was a waste of my time. I will enjoy life and do what I want with it. I will succeed with unreasonable things, like writing and acting. Being tentative and cautious does not serve me, or anybody for that matter. So I will be BOLD and COURAGEOUS (and I will keep my day job because I like to eat). I WILL.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

This is my life and I will make it the life that I want.

It's almost humorous because I graduated high school with this idea but somehow lost it along the way. Life really does bug at you and in college you come across people who have their whole lives figured out, along with a step-by-step plan of how to get there. Those people made me second guess, made me doubt myself. So I shied away from the art I wanted to make and tried to be reasonable and lucrative. But it made me miserable until someone pointed out this mistake. 

So here is my caution: Be attentive to your life. Make sure you always have a handle on what it is you want to be and where it is you are heading. Do not get lost in the expectations of others, for you will only disappoint them and yourself in the process. Do not be afraid of the work it takes to get you where you want to go. It is always worth it. Being scared is a waste of time and energy. Be bold and fearless. Don't get lazy and let your dreams fade. Dreams are real and people fulfill them everyday, so why not you? 

ME

I find it a very interesting thing when people don't know themselves. It seems like it should be the simplest thing in the world. You are you, right? So how can you not know that? You are the only person you have ever been and the only person you are with all the time. And yet... 


I've realized I don't know myself as well as I would like. I think I know what I want in life, and then later I realize that I was wrong. How does that happen? How do you hide from yourself? A person must be quite clever and secretive to be able to pull it off, but yet, it somehow seems it is more the case to not know yourself than to know. 


I realized I did not know myself very well because I avoid thinking about myself in almost any manner. I don't like to think about my looks, about my schedule, about my future plans, about my anticipations, or simply my thoughts on life. I mean, I think (despite some evidence to the contrary), but I never look back on my thoughts retrospectively. I will simply think them and be done. I don't analyze myself. But should you? Do you need to analyze yourself to know yourself? Can't you just be you without putting any effort into it? 


Aha. The effort. There's a key, I guess. Things worth having and being require effort. And I guess you would need to know yourself well in order to change yourself. If you want to be different, improved in some manner, in order to make it stick and get the problem out at its root you need to know how far and where the roots go. Hmm... 


Not that I'm recommending psychoanalysis or anything. This knowing-thyself business has just been a stick lately so I'm working it out. 


Here are some questions I've been trying to answer: 

• What makes me happy? (not including food, Disney, or small plastic toys) 
• If I could be doing anything right now what would I be doing? 
• What is my favorite food really? 
• What is the color that best represents my personality? 
• Am I blaming others for my dissatisfaction in life? 
• Crunchy or smooth? 
• How significant is physical appearance to me? Sometimes I play it off like I don't care at all, but I do at least a little bit. And why is it I care? And why do I react in my unease and anxiety by not taking effort in my appearance? How does looking like a ragamuffin solve my social anxiety? 
• What would be the best news to get right now? 
• Who would I tell first if that best news actually came? 
• Who do I want to go on a trip with, and why? 
• What is my favorite/least favorite chore and why? 

Those are just a few things I've been thinking about lately, not that I've answered them all, but they are making me think and by thinking I think I'm beginning to understand this ME a little bit better. I'm connecting the pieces. 

Here's a Haiku for you

Waitress

Plastic booths. Stale fries

His cold stare cuts in deep

Wish I could go home

A voice...from the deep...It's me! At last!

It has certainly been a while. You probably have been there, twiddling your thumbs, waiting on the edge of your seat for me to be brilliant and endearing, and you were probably thinking I simply had nothing brilliant to say. 


YOU WERE WRONG. 


I do have things to say! Here they are:


Hi. How are you? What are you up to? Me? Not much. (end). 


I know, I know. Life has been a little slow lately, somewhat vague, average, uninteresting, or dull as some have said. A few blips have happened, however. I went on a date once (good food) and I applied for more jobs (starting wage: $7.75/h). 


YAY! 


I graduated college a year ago. Can you believe that? A YEAR AGO. (You probably can believe it. I, however, cannot, despite being the subject of that very grueling and difficult verb: graduated. That is why I keep repeating it. I graduated A YEAR AGO. GRADUATED. ME. GRADUATE...). 
I was kind of hoping to have accomplish something worth while or significant during this time, like--i dunno-- a Pulitzer, lottery win, Disney cruise, or some great career move. But none of those things have happened (maybe I should buy a lottery ticket). 


But. It's ok. 
I promise. 
I have done other things, that, ultimately and seen through a prudential light, may turn out to have been worth my time. 


I NANNY! 


That's right, folks. I watch the wee ones of successful people while they go off and be successful or go on lunch dates with their girlfriends. I am paid so people can eat! 


It's just fine, because watching kids is pretty much second nature to me and the kids themselves are more or less absolutely adorable, so it works. I've been watching 2-year old triplets lately and they are a riot. Once one of them gets started they all want in. Someone decides shoes are a good idea then they're all screaming and sitting trying to get their parents's shoes to stay on their feet. Or one decides she doesn't like her shirt and therefore takes it off. The boys look at her in wonder then realize the genius of it. Yeah! Why are we even wearing shirts!? And have you tried pushing a triplet stroller? My arms look amazing. 


So. Yeah. I think that's it for now. Just wanted to remind you that I'm still here. Being brilliant. 


(GRADUATED).

Snow!

Ladies and gentlemen, it has SNOWED, finally. And in celebration I went on a shooting spree. I don't claim to be a photography, and none of these pictures are edited, which testifies to the gorgeousness of the day. 

The ever adorable King's English played host to a marriage proposal today. Absolutely fantastic. And she said yes (how could you not?) 

A lamp post standing next to a bunch of wheat. Straw, hay? I'm not sure. Something that should be on a farm of some sort. I liked this picture, though, because the tree and the wheat (?) make it very textured, which is nice in a picture with a limited palette. 

We still had some apples on the tree. They are a little gushy though, so no eating, ok?  

 Don't you just love it!? I think I love taking pictures in the winter so much because there is always a high contrast. The snow and sky are always light, and everything else is so dark it almost looks like a silhouette. The many clouds also soften the light, making it delicate. Just gorgeous. 

 I love this shot, because of the tall center tree, and the difference between each side of the frame, the light and dark, bright and purplish. Lovely. 

 On the street where I live. *sigh

Our trampoline could use some springs, huh? It is kind of a random picture, but something about the composition grabs me. Maybe it's the large blank space of snow, and the various fields of depth. I dunno. Maybe it's just the memories.